“I want to adopt from Korea,” T told me. “I’ve done all the research, but my husband doesn’t want to. What do I do?”

I am not a therapist or a social worker…or any kind of professional, but it would seem to be that if one spouse isn’t ready then it isn’t the right time. Adopting, especially from a foreign country, takes commitment and it requires the support of both the husband and the wife. I can’t even imagine how crazy I would have gone during the wait if I didn’t have my husband going crazy right next to me.

As I’ve written in my bio, I always wanted to adopt from Korea. My situation, as usual, was a little different. I made sure that my husband knew what I wanted to do well before we were married – no secrets. He knew before we got engaged (and he still asked me) and he never tried to change my mind.

Now, I became paranoid after we started the process. I wanted to make sure that he was sure that he wanted to adopt from Korea because I knew that it wouldn’t work unless we both really wanted to do it. Is there such thing as an adoption hormone imbalance? If it hasn’t been documented, I think a behaviorist needs to get right on it…because I had it. Our conversations went something like this:

“Do you really want to adopt from Korea?” I asked.

“Yes.” My husband of few words would say.

“Are you sure? Are you just doing this because I want to do it?”

“Well I wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t met you, but I want to do it,” he would say.

“You don’t really want to do it,” I would wail. “I’m forcing you into it.”

“I…want…to…do…it,” my husband would say in exaggerated tones.

“No, I’m an awful person,” I would say burying my head in my pillow.

At the point, my husband would sigh and roll over in the bed. “Just go to sleep.”

But back to the original story, some spouses may need more convincing than others. It’s huge step when you decide to adopt from Korea. In some ways, it is more complex than when you decide to have a biological child. Not only are you taking on the responsibility for a child, but you are also taking on the responsibility for raising a child who is not the same race. You have to be ready for all of the extra trials and tribulations that come with parenting a child who doesn’t look like you.

Awhile back, I wrote about what you can do to help educate family members if they aren’t supporting your adoption plans. The same principles apply when you are trying to convince a reluctant spouse. The difference is, you have to be prepared to decide not to adopt from Korea if your spouse isn’t ready. I just don’t think it can be done right unless you are both 100% on board.

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.