My son did not grieve when he came. For the first five months of his life, he lived at the children’s center and then he was moved to a foster home for one month before he came home to us. I don’t think he really had the time or the development necessary to bond with anyone.

As the child gets older, grieving becomes mores of an issue. They have time to understand that people exist after they turn the corner and time to develop attachments to certain people. I imagine they also are able to recognize that suddenly all of the adults lack black hair and slanted eyes. It’s hard to tell what goes through the mind of a baby or toddler.

Shortly after my sister arrived, family friends adopted a little girl from Korea. I can’t remember how old she was exactly, but I think she was around 18 months old. She had the saddest eyes. For those first few months, every picture that we have shows this sad little girl with dull eyes. She didn’t smile.

I can’t imagine the stress that this would put on the parents. The arrival of your child is a happy moment and you want to share it with your child. It must be depressing to realize that your child does not share your happy feelings.

Here are some things to think about:

• Try not to create overwhelming situations. Don’t throw a party. Warn people to respect personal space and to keep voices low. If you have the very gregarious and loud relative, you may want to limit contact for awhile.
• Korean children are carried everywhere. Buy a carrier of some kind to help with the bonding and make them feel secure.
• Try to make Korean foods (especially if they are mentioned in the paperwork you receive).
• Buy Korean music or DVDs.
• Make use of any local Korea-American organizations in your area.
• Learn about how toddlers are raised in Korea. It may help eliminate some confusion from the beginning.

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, send me an e-mail at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.