(From the Parent Side)

Yesterday, I wrote about how as an adoptee we might use adoption as an excuse for all of our problems. Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about parents of adoptees. Do we do the same thing?

As a first time parent, I am always struggling with parental issues. When should I put my son in time-out? When should I ignore the behavior? Should I push the issue or let it go. Should I be concerned if he doesn’t know his numbers or should I let nature take its course. There are all of these concerns and that doesn’t even include the fact that I am also developing a relationship with my son that could shape how we interact forever. Relationships.

It started me thinking about how easy it would be for me to start blaming the adoption when anything goes wrong. It’s not my fault. He just can’t adjust to being adopted. He has adoption issues that have to be resolved. Our area is predominately Caucasian so it’s no wonder he has identity issues. Could adoption be the reason for his attitude? Yes. Could adoption be only a part of the issue? Yes. Would it be easier for me as a parent to blame adoption instead of taking responsibility for some of the problem? Yes. Having something to blame makes things a little less scary.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how frighteningly easy it would be to blame adoption for everything. So, here is another worry that I add to my list of things that only parents of adoptees have to think about. I have to learn to balance the normal trials and tribulations of growing up with the trials and tribulations of growing up adopted from Korea. My inexperienced self has to figure out when an issue is deeper and when I need to seek outside help.

On top of that, I have to be extra diligent about keeping the people around us from excusing my son’s behavior because they are blaming adoption. Those same people who shake their heads at your two year old (or one year old, or four year old) and tell you that he will get adjusted soon will also be interacting with your child as they grow into their own identity. “It’s not his fault that he trampled my flower bed. He’s having a rough time adjusting. He has adoption anger issues.”

I think that one of the hardest lessons I’ll have to learn as a parent is learning to assign blame where it’s due. Will I be able to blame adoption for some of the issues? Probably yes. Will I have to take some of the blame for problems? Definitely yes. The hardest thing is that I realize that there will be some occasions where I’ll have to assign the blame where it belongs – with my son. When that happens, I’ll have to deal with an overwhelming feeling of failure and I’ll have to fight that urge to make an excuse for his behavior.

Oh my goodness, am I really thinking of adopting again?

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, you can send me an e-mail at adoptkoreablogs@adoptionmail.com.