Korean Adoption, Korea Infant Adoption - Talking About Your Child’s Birth Parents

02/08/07

Talking About Your Child’s Birth Parents

Posted by : Mo in Korea Adoption Blog at 05:24 pm , 333 words, 115 views
Categories: Korea - Post-Adoption

On one of my Korean adoption message boards someone asked how much we share about our child’s birth parents with other people. Though I haven’t been on since early this afternoon, I noted that most of the early responses were that they didn’t tell people about their children’s birth parents (the information that they had). Most seemed to think that it was their child’s story to share. Some of the parents hadn’t even shared the information with their family.

It’s funny because I never thought about it. I don’t have information on my birthparents so it was never an issue for me and, since my son’s arrival, I share the information I have with anyone who asks. It never occurred to me that it was something that I shouldn’t share. When I got my information, I read it to everyone who would listen. I was thrilled that I not only knew general information about my son’s birth parents (height, age, etc…), but that I knew a little about their backgrounds and why they chose adoption.

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I really can’t tell you if it’s right or wrong because I have no personal experience to pull from here. Telling my son’s adoption story is one of my favorite things to do and his birth parents are a part of that story. Admittedly, the thread caused me to think about the choice I made, but I don’t think it will change my actions. Perhaps, I will be a little more cognizant about the way I say things, but I’m probably not going to stop telling people about them.

By telling people about them, I hope that I can help share that adoption has many facets. You really can’t understand adoption without understanding both where we came from and where we ended up.

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.

10 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

I have always been confused by this popular idea that all birthparent info should be private and not shared.
My question is why?
If you are chosing to keep extreme difficult details (like rape) private, that I could see, but just average info? Won't your children eventually come to see that as something negative? We do not share anything about my birthparents with anyone, so gosh there must be something to hide about them (and therefore ME).
I'm like you and share with just about everyone(in positive terms). I am concerned with this trend, I wonder if it is a throw back to the previous practice of secrecy.

Permalink 02/08/07 @ 18:49

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

I think like Deb says, the secrecy angle is a throwback to "protecting the birth parents privacy" which in most cases is unnecessary and unwanted. Personally, I think unless there is something like rape, drugs, etc., there is no reason to keep birth parents a deep dark secret.

Deep dark,not to be talked about secrets,insinuates something sinister.

Permalink 02/08/07 @ 19:18

Comment from: Heather [Member]

Mo - For quite some time I have been just like you; willing to share information regarding our sons' adoptions with anyone who asks. Now my oldest is 6 and last year we had some ignorant comments made in front of him and we have chosen not to be as open.

At least until he understands things better - while he has always known he is adopted, he still does not entirely get the whole where babies come from. So for now it's his story to share - not just the birthmother part, his whole adoption story.

It's definitely not a deep dark secret. Just a phase we are going through. For us it has nothing to do about birthmoms, just where our child is at developmentally.

Permalink 02/08/07 @ 21:11

Comment from: banjo [Member]

I hope my bchild and her family are not sharing the personal details of my life with everyone they passby. Remember that if you are in an open adoption then friends and associates of the bmother will also be asking questions about the afamily. Do you want them to share you personal stories??? Like infertility details,the state of your marriage, perhaps income details etc. People ask weird questions so I no longer share information because I don't want the afamily to share my personal information.

Permalink 02/08/07 @ 22:28

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

I personally don't care.
If I did I certianly would not be blogging here.

Permalink 02/08/07 @ 23:26

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Banjo - I think there is a huge difference between sharing personal details and sharing the general story without names. Plus the proximity of the birth family has alot to do with how much to share as well.

Permalink 02/08/07 @ 23:46

Comment from: Jupe [Member]

· http://adoptee.adoptionblogs.com

Hi Mo,
To me, there is a difference between something being 'personal' and something being 'secret.' As I have said in many of my blogs, the point isn't 'hiding' the birth parents or circumstances surrounding your child's adoption, the point is doing what makes adjutment most successful for your child... which brings me back to the whole 'my adopted child' vs 'my child' factor.

I think it's great to share any and all information about their history with your child and among family members, close friends... you know, all those with whom you would normally share private details of your lives. I fear that over-exuberant 'puting it all out there' carries a threat of a big scarlet letter A... not necessarily a bad thing, but an unnecessary branding.

While I do think your effort to get people to understand that 'adoption has many facets' is important, I am not sure that using your child's specific information as a tool to do so is necessarily fair to your child nor helpful in their adjustment ... especially, if like for Heather, the people around them decide that their adoption is public info to be poked and proded at will with insensitivity: something that is impossible to control.

I think it is really, really great, though, that you have so much information for your child on their background. Like you, I didn't have any information to decide to share or not.

For any birth mothers reading, before you get me wrong, my comments are not about birth mothers or keeping them in an archaic closet... my comments are about adoptees having to go through life in their communities with their main claim to fame being that they were adopted.

Permalink 02/09/07 @ 04:28

Comment from: KatjaMichelle [Member]

I actually wish my sons parents had shared more with there friends/neighbors. I went out for my first visit and while we were all out watching the kids play the other parents kept asking me who I was. They knew his birthmom was going to be visiting but they didn't know who this black chick (me) was. Since my son is blond with blue eyes they didn't really put it together and his parents had never told anyone I was black (not that they intentionally didn't tell them it just never came up)

Permalink 02/09/07 @ 04:37

Comment from: mommavia [Member]

We have shared our son's info about his birthparents with very few people. A few of our family members know and my closets friend that help lead us to adoption. If have a few family members that don't really know where to draw the line at sharing personal details with strangers, so I thought it best to not share it with them. Whenever a stranger inquires about our son's birthparents I usually tell them that we do have a little information about both of his birthparents, but the circumstances surrounding his adoption are his private details to share if he chooses.

Good topic, Mo!

Permalink 02/09/07 @ 06:14

Comment from: Mo [Member]

· http://korea.adoptionblogs.com/

Jupe - Thank you for your point of view. I am always so interested in other adoptees' opinions (especially when they are different than mine). Unfortunately, when you are a Korean adoptee (adopted by Caucasian parents), we are branded with the big scarlett letter "A" from the beginning. It is very unlikely that we can hide it. There are sometimes that I feel that all I'm doing is cleaning up the misconceptions. Perhaps that is why I am more willing to speak out.

Banjo - I should have been more specific. I would never share information that I thought might hurt the birth parent, but I find it fascinating that my son's birth mother was working as a translator and that his birth father helps run the family business. If his history was one of rape, drugs, etc..., I would talk more generally and allow my son to make the decisions when he was older.

Permalink 02/09/07 @ 06:56

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