When my sister was in school, she didn’t like my parents to come to events – orchestra concerts, plays, etc… She used to tell them it was because they were old and it was too embarrassing. Later, she admitted that she didn’t like the explanations that came with having Caucasian parents.

My mother was lucky (or unlucky) enough to have raised both extremes. She had me who proclaimed my adoption status to whoever would listen and my sister who wanted to keep it a secret. Because of this, she is a great person for a prospective parent to talk to because she can talk about both sides of the issue.

We were talking awhile back and she commented on how lucky my son was because he would only have to tell people he was adopted if he wanted to. Because I was the sister who proclaimed my adoption at every opportunity, my first reaction was surprise. Why would he want to hide his adoption? Secrets in the adoption world have never been a good mix.

The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that it was a good thing. Here is a small person who is struggling with his identity and he won’t have the added burden of struggling with his adoption identity until he wants to.

Because it is still rather rare for Korean adoptees to adopt from Korea, most children don’t have this luxury. Despite the fact that I liked my status as an adoptee, there are still issues that I had to deal with. One of things that I learned from my parents was that the key is to respect your children. Sometimes, I think parents (me included) try so hard to figure out what is good for the child that we forget that we need to respect our children’s rights too. My parents were very good at balancing what they had to do with what they wanted to do. They wanted to go to her orchestra concert, but they didn’t have to. When they did go, they respected her privacy and didn’t approach her while she was with her friends. It didn’t always make my parents happy and they weren’t always able to make her happy, but there was enough of a balance that my sister didn’t feel that they were walking all over her rights.

I don’t think there is a problem with a Korean adoptee who wants to remain low key about their adoption. If they are in denial or making up alternate stories, there may be larger issues for you to deal with. When it’s just a child who is trying to figure out who she is and she needs a little room to do it – more power to her. Respecting his/her wishes may make a big difference in your future relationship.

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.