Someone asked me what racism feels like to a child and I thought that was a wonderful topic. I talk about the fundamentals of racism. I talk about the fact that it is still a part of our society. I talk about what you can do to protect yourself from racism. I talk about how I view racism from the point-of-view of a Korean adoptee adult. It never occurred to me to describe what it felt like when I was a child.

I remember one of the first times I realized that people could make fun of me because of who I am. Like most of my early childhood events, the facts are a little foggy, but the feelings are there. There used to be a short rhyme (I imagine it’s still circulating.) that children used to chant. It went something like this:

Chinese
Japanese
Dirty Knees
Look at These

When I first heard it, I really didn’t understand what I was hearing. The child who was chanting would pull the corners of their eyes up and down to imitate Asian eyes. I remember that an adult intervened and explained why it wasn’t a nice poem and I remember that the chanter had not known that it wasn’t nice. What I remember the best, though, was the feelings that ran through me.

I remember feeling very warm. It was like the temperature in my body changed and then I remember embarrassment. Now, the parent in me knows that I had nothing to feel embarrassed about and I should have felt anger or hurt, but I felt embarrassed. It flowed through me like a wave and I didn’t want to look at anyone. Though the bad behavior had not been mine – I felt ashamed. Somehow, in my mind, the fault was mine.

I don’t know if I thought it was my fault because I looked different or I just didn’t have enough knowledge to put things together in a logical order. Looking from the outside, I don’t think that as a parent I would ever guess that the first feeling could be embarrassment. As an adult, I am armed with more information and my first reaction would probably be anger or, at the very least, exasperation. For me, looking back helps me to remember how fundamentally different a child’s line of thinking can be.

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.