I think that some Korean adoptees have a defense mechanism that allows us to completely tune out some of the offensive comments. I find that sometimes I am totally unaware that something has happened until someone tells me. Friends have said to me how insensitive a question was or how rude a comment was and I realize that I didn’t even notice it. When I think back to the conversation, I can see it, but while I was there…it didn’t even phase me.

In some ways, I think that this defense mechanism that I’ve developed is a good thing and in some ways it’s a bad thing. It’s good because I think that it would be very easy for me to become a very angry and bitter person if I reacted to every insensitive question or comment that came my way. I see it as my brains way of helping me sort out the rude from the uninformed.

Because I’ve lived and breathed adoption all my life, I sometimes forget that not everyone does. Sometimes, when people make offensive comments, it’s not because they don’t care…it’s because they don’t understand.

Until I explained some of the language to my friends, many of them just didn’t understand. I’ve told some of my friends about some of the comments that I find annoying and I enjoy when they become advocates for change. Over the phone, someone will tell me about a comment that someone made and they’ll tell me how they set that person straight. It proves the theory that one whisper will turn into many whispers and it will get louder and louder until everyone can hear it. Everyone doesn’t have to agree, but everyone will hear it.

My defense mechanism could too easily become a crutch. If I use it to simply pretend like the world is perfect, then I’m keeping myself from really living life. I’m hiding and I’m refusing to face the issues.

It’s hard for me to tell for sure, but I think that adoptive parents develop these same defense mechanisms. I often have a hard time separating the Korean adoptee from the adoptive parent. A part of me wants everything to be so perfect for my son that sometimes I just don’t want to hear the bad things that are said or face the problems that sometimes crop up for Korean adoptees. It is so much easier just to think that my son’s life will be different – it will be perfect.

Part 2 – Tomorrow

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.