It’s really weird how my thoughts have changed this year. I think it has to do with writing this blog. It’s forced me to examine some aspects of my life that I never would have.

Mother’s Day is coming. I’ve always viewed it as a rather silly day that I observed out of respect for my mother and what she has given me. Mother’s Day is a greeting card holiday that was created to honor mothers for one day, but it should be more - it’s a day that should remind us not to take mothers for granted. It’s easy to take mothers for granted when you are secure in their love. Mother’s Day should really be every day.

I have always had tunnel vision when it came to my mother. She is and always will be my one and only mother – even when she drives me crazy (like all mothers do).

But there is another mother out there – my birth mother. She has always been a part of me, but she has always been at the very back of my mind. Tonight, I’m bringing her forward. I’m sorry to say that I don’t do that more often.

I can never forget her, but when I look really deep inside me, she’s not there. My mother is there. My birth mother is not there. I spent some tonight worrying that there is something lacking inside me that keeps me from reaching out and feeling something for the woman who gave birth to me. I wonder about her, but I can’t feel anything.

The logical part of my brain reminds me that there is more to being a mother than giving life - that the bond that binds people is not genetic. The feelings between myself and my mother developed over thirty-one years of being together and I have not had the privilege of being together thirty-one years with my birth mother. No matter how hard you try, you cannot manufacture feelings and emotions.

I listen to other Korean adoptees who think of their birth mothers and they feel like there is a piece missing from their lives. They are searching for that missing piece. I’m different from them. I find myself looking for that missing piece, but for me, it’s not there. I don’t have a missing piece. My birth mother plays an important part in my life, but I've already found a place for her piece…she’s a part of the puzzle that was my early life and that puzzle is already complete. Now, as I move forward, she is a part of the foundation that makes me so confident in each step that I take.

Some day, my son’s birth mother may play a different role in my son’s life. We won’t know until he’s older. She is a part of his early life puzzle in the same way that my birth mother was a part of mine, but she also could be a part of his future.

So this Mother’s Day, I will celebrate my mother – but I will also take the time to remember my birth mother. I will also remember my son’s birth mother and wonder if I will ever meet her. Will she become a piece of my puzzle too?