I hate it when people ask me if I think they’ll be a good parent to a Korean adoptee. I love when people ask me about my life as a Korean adoptee or when they ask about my experience adopting my son. Those are things that I can handle and, without a doubt, I am qualified to answer those questions.

When someone asks me if they will be a good parent to a Korean adoptee, I silently groan. Half the time, I wonder if I’m a good parent to a Korean adoptee – I am certainly not qualified to answer that question. I am not a social worker or trained professional who can analyze someone’s answers and tell them that they have what it takes to be a professional. Some of the people who talk to me might go away thinking that I’m rude, but I absolutely refuse to answer that question – even when my brain is screaming, “Tell them no.”

My father-in-law is a pharmacist and he likes to showcase his grandchildren where he works. One of his customers noticed the picture of my son and was telling him that she and her husband were considering adoption. He dutifully took her name and number and told her that he would see if I could give her a call. The next we saw him, he handed me the scrap of paper and I tucked it into my purse.

About a week later, I called her and told her who I was. I went through my canned speech about my arriving when I was six months old, etc… and how we had gone through the process for my son (who we were still waiting for at the time). It occurred to me while we were talking that she was not asking the questions that most ask and some of them were a little odd, but everyone is different so I plodded on. After all, I reasoned, they were still in the early stages of the decision. They were planning on attending an informational meeting at one of the adoption agencies later that week.

We were wrapping up the conversation when she confided that her husband wasn’t sure that he could love a child who was a different race. Warning bells started going off in my head. In fact, they were so loud that I thought I was in the bell tower standing inside the bell. I mumbled a generic response about the importance of both of them being on the same page. She followed that up by telling me that she thought my accent sounded southern (I had a cold at the time) and I assured her that it was all mid-western, clouded by congestion. At that point she complemented me on the fact that I had no Korean accent and that she thought my English was wonderful. I reminded her that I had been here since I was six months old and she allowed as how that probably made a difference. She asked me if I thought she’d make a good parent to a Korean adoptee and I wouldn’t answer. I encouraged her to go to the informational meeting and hoped with all my heart that someone at the agency would steer her in the right direction.

It’s hard for me not to make judgments, especially when I hear comments like the ones that this stranger made to me. I have proof that I’m not a professional though. I tend to make flash judgments and I don’t wait for all the facts to come in. I realize that I sometimes judge people guilty first and make them work to prove that their innocent. So, I will leave the answers to the professionals and I will exercise my right to remain silent.

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please feel free to e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.