This weekend, all of my friends got together. My very good friend has received a promotion and her whole family is moving to Indiana. This was a send off and a reaffirmation that we will stay friends despite the new four hour distance. There was no talk of “it’s so far” or “we’ll never see you anymore.” It was all “when we visit you” and “when you come back to visit.”

Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. For the last few weeks I have been compiling pictures from when we met for the first time as college roommates in 1993 to the present so that I could make a DVD show for the family that is moving. Looking back at all the things we did – college, marriages, new houses, children…made me realize how full our lives have been. The group has survived long distance moves (thanks to e-mail and the internet) and time consuming jobs. The women in our group have been together for nearly thirteen years and the men nearly as long.

I’m migrating off my topic a little, but there is a point to my post. It’s not specific to Korean adoption, but it is specific to being a parent. My group of friends keep me grounded. No matter how bad things feel or how complex the issue is, they are always there as my support network. You’ll hear me say it often…when I come across an issue that upsets me, concerns me, etc… I have a tendency to do two things – first I call my mother and then I talk with my friends. The difference between my mother and my friends is that my mother is always trying to make things right for me (that’s what mothers do), but my friends will jump right in and share my anger, my surprise, my hurt... They aren’t trying to fix my problems, but they are willing to share my problems.

Our get-togethers often have the outward appearance of being mass chaos. Give or take (depending on the event) there are generally eight adults and six children (and we have two more babies on the way this summer). Children run from room to room and parents divide their attention between adult conversation and high pitched squeals – each parent attuned to the change from delighted squeals to upset screams.

One of the children will throw themselves on the floor in a temper tantrum when they don’t get their way. Adults step over the wronged child and continue their conversations. One of my friends said that she likes our get-togethers because she doesn’t have to worry about people staring when her daughter throws her temper tantrum or worry that other people are passing judgment on her parenting skills. We don’t have to make sure that our children are on their best behavior or watch to make sure they haven’t decided to play football with the crystal vase. None of us thinks twice about plucking someone else’s child off the banister before they make the headlong plunge onto the wood floor in the foyer.

As parents of Korean adoptees, we sometimes feel a little isolated from other parents. They talk about pregnancies, births, etc… and we have separate issues to think about and worry about. They talk about which parent their child looks like and we worry that our children will have issues because they are different race.

Sometimes, when I am trying to work through a particularly difficult adoption issue, I am tempted to hold it close. None of my friends are adoptees and they didn’t adopt any of their children, so why burden them with my problems? What I have to remember is that I am not adding to their burden and they are happy to let me vent some of my frustration – just as I am happy to listen to them vent theirs. My advice: Everything is a little easier when you share it – good times and bad times.