How do you know if you have explanation fatigue? Do you answer adoption questions in a monotone? Do you feel like a telephone recording – press 1 if you want to know why we chose Korea, press 2 if you want to know how long the process is…? Do you sometimes contemplate throwing the asker out the nearest window? That would be explanation fatigue.
It doesn’t matter what stage in the adoption process you are in – the just decided stage, the paperwork stage, the waiting stage, the parenting stage. The questions come poring in. When you decide to adopt from Korea, your life becomes an open book. Suddenly, privacy is a thing of the past.
The other bloggers on this site (www.adoptionblogs.com) have covered the questions wonderfully. They talk about the nosey questions, the annoying questions and the good questions. The questions are generally the same (with some twists) no matter where you are adopting your children from. As parents of Korean adoptees, we tend to see these questions from a particular point of view – the parent’s point of view. I’m going to shift gears a little and talk about the Korean adoptee’s battle with explanation fatigue.
As tired as you get with telling people the whys and wherefores, think about how your child feels. I remember feeling several different ways over the course of my childhood (and adulthood):
My life in a fishbowl: I remember hating that I lived in a fishbowl. That’s the way it felt sometimes. Every time I did something new, you could feel the eyes watching you – a guppy in a bowl full of goldfish. Everyone had to stop and inform you that you didn’t look like everyone else (as if you didn’t know) and ask you why. For the most part, I enjoyed that individuality – I liked being different and being able to tell my story. However, there was that five percent that chafed at the responsibility that was forced on me…a responsibility to explain Korean adoption to everyone who asked the questions.
Anger management: During that five percent, I felt anger. Why do people feel it is alright to ask personal questions of an adoptee – the kind of questions that they would rarely ask anyone else? What makes us so different? Why can’t they leave us alone? This five percent was a big enough part of my life that I can understand why some Korean adoptees have become so angry with the world. If I had not had a good grasp on my personal identity, that kind of anger would have eaten me alive (especially in my pre-teens). It tended to be irrational and explosive.
Superior Me: Aside from the negative, I also got a big kick out the questions. There was a level of self-awareness that came out of the questions. I had superior knowledge. I had the answers to questions that other people didn’t. I became the teacher and I had a vast school of students to educate.
I joked above about explanation fatigue, but there is a level of seriousness to the topic. I think that every one of my responses (the ones I mention and the ones I can’t remember right now) is valid and important. They are similar to the feeling that I feel now as a parent to a Korean adoptee, but different. Though it is my automatic desire to protect my son from the five percent that I talked about, I have to step back a little because I think that experiencing that five percent was important to me. Learning to deal with these bad feelings was an essential part to my growing up. I think I want my son to stay two forever.
All I can do is watch how my son deals with the questions. Admittedly, I have it easy. My son looks like me and he will only have to deal with the questions when he’s alone with his father or when he chooses to. However, I suspect that life will give us plenty of reasons for that five percent to come out and play. Look at me. I survived it and I’m even surviving being on both sides of the questions. I have to say that it’s a little less chaotic on the parent side. Explanation fatigue – I’m going to take a nap now.
If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please feel free to e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.
