For the last three days, I have been searching for my cell phone. I have looked under every piece of furniture and emptied every bag I have. We were all sitting in the family room after dinner and, as a joke, I turned to my three year old and said, “Do you know where Mommy’s phone is?”

My three year old popped up and grabbed my hand. “It’s in my old room,” he said. “Come on Mommy.” I looked at my husband in surprise and he just shrugged his shoulders. I allowed myself to be dragged up the stairs and into his old bedroom. He walked to a section of the room and looked puzzled. He couldn’t remember where he put it.

So, my husband called my phone and we listened for the ring. Sure enough, we hear a muffled vibration coming from the corner. We check under blankets and toys. Suddenly, we see it sitting in the corner of his old crib. “Did you hide Mommy’s phone?” My husband asked. My son gave us one of his most charming grins and nodded his head. “I am funny,” he said proudly.

Three days of agonizing could have been cut short by remembering to ask my son what he knows. It made me think about some of the more serious agonizing that I do. Parenting is so full of questions. Parenting an adopted child brings a few more questions to the mix. This incident made me remember that it never hurts to remember to ask your adoptee what they want and what they are thinking.

On the message boards, I often read posts from parents who are worried that their child heard the racist remark at the grocery store or understood the slur that they heard from grandma. They wonder if their child is interested in their birth parents or if they feel cheated that they are not a part of the Korean culture. The list goes on and on. Have you asked your child what he heard? Have you asked your child what he feels? Have you asked you child what he wants? Sometimes, I think that’s the best way to get to the answer.

If you would like to comment, but not on this site, please e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.