I have often wondered why people automatically assume that I’m Japanese. (Actually, Japanese and Chinese are pretty interchangeable.) It’s not that I don’t think I look Japanese, it’s more that I wonder why they would try to guess what race I am. The same person who asks me that question is not likely to walk up to a Caucasian woman and ask if she’s French. Why is it proper etiquette to ask me if I’m Japanese?

Truthfully, I generally consider the phenomena to be an annoyance. It doesn’t bother me a lot, but I know that it bothers other Korean adoptees a lot. I think some of it has to do with how settled you are in your identity. If you are still struggling with who you are, constantly being mistaken for another race would be hard on your identity development. Some of it is just that what annoys me a little, really annoys other adoptees. I have to say that it really is rude. Does it really matter?

As a Korean adoptee who has dealt with this question so many times I lost count sometime around age six, I am super cognizant of it. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that I often won’t ask anyone where they are from because I don’t want to insult someone. My son was recently invited to a birthday party and I got to meet one of my son’s very good friends at school. She is Asian and she immediately guessed that I am Korean and I was so stunned I missed the perfect opportunity to ask her if she was Korean. Now, I can’t figure out how to do without sounding like the people who annoy me.

Now, I do understand why parents of Korean adoptees might be curious about who shares our child’s ethnic background. When I was little, if you saw an Asian child with Caucasian parents, you knew that the child was Korean. Now, with so many adorable little Chinese girls (and an occasional adorable little Chinese boy), you can no longer make the assumption. I’ve found that I don’t find it nearly as annoying when someone gives me a reason for their question as I do when people ask for the sake of giving me a label.

Example One: I spent some time in Korea when I was in the military, are you Korean?

Example Two: My daughter is adopted from Korea, are you Korean?

If you would like to respond, but not on this site, please e-mail me at adoptkoreablog@adoptionmail.com.